December 17, 2013

If some people tried to sell their brains, the major selling point would be low mileage.

November 26, 2013

If your living room is filled with roaches...that probably means you are totally out of snacks.

November 12, 2013

Whenever someone starts a sentence with, "In all honesty" or "To tell you the truth", you are about to be lied to.

Winners of the best PHCP by a listener contest!

First Place - Mr Gee - The last bus home is the one you just missed

Second Place - Trucker Tom - The one day you need everything to go right is the one day it goes horribly wrong 

Third Place - Jill B - Always leave the bar before the lights come back on.

 

 

November 5, 2013

Staples are to sewing as pickle juice is to lube.  It might get the job done, but you won't be happy with the results.

October 29, 2013

I dislike both passive aggressive behavior and hypocrites. That's why I'm saying this on air instead of talking to anyone face to face about it.

October 22, 2013

Before breaking up with someone heinous either 1. Hide a dead flounder in their apartment or 2. Write them a note saying you did.

October 15, 2013

Some cultures say that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck.  It is, if you own a dry cleaners.

October 8, 2013

No one should say the words "cottage cheese" within hearing distance of women in bathing suits.

October 1, 2013

Refusing to write a will is not the magic key to immortality.

September 24, 2013

Don't use up two parking spaces in a crowded parking lot unless you have a ready supply of car touch up paint.

September 17, 2013

 

The speed of the car in front of you is inversely proportionate to the desperation with which you need to get home to the bathroom.

September 3, 2013

Even if you are St. Francis, you only have about a 75% chance of keeping your friend's hamster alive until they get home from vacation.

August 13, 2013

 

 

No matter where the cat throws up, you will only find it with your bare feet.

July 30, 2013

 

If a mean girl looses weight, she usually tells her fattest friend first.

7/24/13

Puppies are cute until they eat their own poop. Boyfriends are cute until they eat your best friend.

7/17/13

The prettier the counter help, the looser the coffee cup lid.

7/10/13

Always beware the old man who says, "Hey you kids, get ON my lawn!"

7/3/2013

If she makes you use a coaster for your drink, she's definitely going to make you use a condom in the pink.