December 15, 2015

If you have to run a red light, make a face like you are terrified.  That way, whatever crazy story you come up with to avoid the ticket, your face on the red-light cam will match. 

December 16, 2014

Buy people the presents you know they will like, even if it's not necessarily the one you want to give them.

September 30, 2014

What happens in Vegas...is going to show up on your credit card statement.

August 26, 2014

If your friend with a lot of cats invites you to dinner, first buy them one of those novelty plates that says that "Food tastes better with a little cat fur."  If they laugh, don't eat there. 

July 15, 2014

Drivers - If you flip somebody off for some bone-headed driving mistake, you are doomed to make the same mistake within the next hour.

June 24, 2014

Buying "thinspiration" pants is a guarantee to pack on at least 5 pounds.

June 10, 2014

If you have close-by neighbors, something undesireable of theirs is going to come into your yard.